Today’s blog was written mainly for your entertainment. I have snuck a tip in for you moms who have to fly with a toddler, but otherwise this blog is just meant to help you lighten up.
Since 9/11, our lives and travel have drastically changed.
(How am I doing? Don’t worry, the fun parts coming.)
Because of those evil terrorists, we’re all use to being searched; scanned and occasionally ex-rayed (they promise it’s only radio waves). We all know not to carry knives, guns, hand grenades, bombs, sewing scissors, knitting needles, water bottles and liquid or jell cosmetics in containers larger than three ounces, and we all obediently take off our shoes, jackets, belts and coats, and dump out our pockets before we run our bodies through the detection devices. But there is one lethal weapon I manage to slip passed those inspections, every time I fly some place. I’ll tell you what it is later.
It’s funny; I’ve been pulled over by the uniformed checkers many times as they invariably discover some suspicious object in my carry-on suitcase that looks questionable to them. Every time I’ve been hauled aside and processed they’ve let me go with the item in question and of course I also get through with my lethal weapon.
One time an agent who flagged me, had a hard time getting my suitcase unzipped because that zipper dealy was missing. Those little tabs must come off very easily, especially when there are 14-piece luggage sets out there for $99.99. Anyway, she actually had a Sucrets tin full of zipper pullers and I got to pick one, which she attached and I was on my way (with my lethal weapon).
A Tip for Mom Traveling with an Unruly Toddler
I interrupt this blog with a tip for moms traveling with toddlers. One of my friends, who had to fly with her rather hyper three-year-old, told me this worked wonders for her. “I warned Rachel to behave or the Jet Police would have to come. I pointed out the TSA uniformed agents and told her they also look out for badly behaved children. I didn’t scare her out of her wits and I didn’t tell her what’d happen if they caught her being a brat; I just used the suggestion as a way to teach her respect for those in uniform and it definitely gave me psychological back-up. I also had a carry-on full of surprises to entertain her. The flight was a delight!”
The Rest of the Story
Only women will understand and know what my extremely dangerous and lethal weapon is. Have you guessed what it is yet? I’ll narrow it down a little more; only large-breasted women will understand and know what my extremely dangerous and lethal weapon is. It’s the bra with underwire.
If you are large-breasted and wear bras with underwire, you have, no doubt, had an underwire cut through the casing and expose itself. Whenever that has happened to my bras, (which is occasionally) I just shove the wiring back in and hand-sew it, until it works its way back out again. Now there’s a reason that those underwires have the ability to work their way through the original and then secondary sewing. They’re razor sharp! I am not exaggerating! They’re razor, like in scalpel, sharp. I know, because, out of curiosity, I’ve pulled an underwire totally out of a bra I had, and I cut myself seriously.
Watch Out for Pamela Anderson
The underwire is U-shaped like a garrote. Now think about this: a razor sharp, U-shaped wire in the hands of a skilled-killer could sever a head in one simple swipe. I’m not saying the next terrorist will be shaped like Pamela Anderson, or that the TSA people should start eyeing woman with big breasts instead of confiscating ten-ounce tubes of Crest and knitting needles. I’m just saying, that in any given flight, a large-breasted woman who, God forbid, was a terrorist, could simply pull on the tip of an exposed wire, easily whip it out and in less than 30 seconds, behead the flight attendant serving her nuts and coffee.
Put a six-pack of large-breasted terrorists on a flight, and the jet goes wherever they want it to go.
I don’t want to make you anxious about the next time you fly and we certainly don’t need to start profiling voluptuous women any more than we should fear women dressed in burkas. I’m just suggesting that TSA really look at how ridiculous some of their official scrutiny is, when a large-breasted woman like myself can get through the lines with such a lethal weapon.
I’m curious, have you ever thought about this before? I’d love to hear from you, if you have. I have a comment section here on the blog just for us.
Because this blog was written for entertainment, maybe you’d like to read one of my more substantive writings that are just for moms: Do You Have An Imaginative Child?